Saturday, April 02, 2005

Losing Two Daddies - again

Never in my life did I think I would resort to blogs. I have a very public web site, and I even have a journal online - however, that journal is for the "public" ... it's streamed and edited and carefully planned out. It tells about where I've been and what I'm doing - but nothing much about who I am, and how I'm feeling.

I guess - the "who I am, and how I'm feeling" ... well, even my family isn't much tuned into that. One of my sons is very astute, and often listens to his mom rant and rave ... I consider him my best friend, at moment. But, I know that he needs to get out of my house, and start a life of his own - pronto. When he leaves, I will be alone. No, I'm not a widow, and I don't live alone. You can live with a hundred people, and still be very alone.

There is no one for me to "turn to" with the things that are heavy on my heart, although, I certainly do have any number of casual friends who would be willing to "listen" to me. I also have a few close friends who would probably be willing to "listen" to me. I'm just very seriously not drawn to "speaking" to anyone ... I honestly can NOT imagine myself doing that.

And so ... this anonymous blog ... this place to pour my heart into ... where no one knows me, and no one will be able to judge me.

And now - today's big burden, and the reason for the name of my blog ...

Eighteen years ago, my dear, beloved Dad died suddenly after suffering a massive stroke. He died a week after my dear friend's father died, and two weeks before another dear father figure was taken away from us, and imprisoned for a crime he didn't commit ... (and yes, I know he didn't commit it, since I was there.) I have never gotten over the loss of my father. I'm sure there will be more on that later ... but that's all I have the time for today concerning that particular part of my life.

Last night, I spent the night on the sofa - with the television on Fox News all night long. I've spent every free moment I've had for the last week or more with my father in law, who was put on hospice the night before last. He's not expected to live more than a day. He's been my Daddy since I lost my own Daddy 18 years ago ... my Daddy and my ally. I can't let go ... I just can't see him leaving us. I'm not ready to lose him. And neither am I ready for what I'm watching on Fox ... as I write, the Holy Father is also expected to live less than a day. I'm surrounded by death, and it seems as if my last two "Daddies" are in a race to leave me alone. The Holy Papa will leave a huge spiritual and temporal void in my life, and my dear Father in Law will leave a immense empty in everything I am.

No more Daddies after this coming loss ... they'll be all gone.



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